Yeah, here we are at the famous Turtle Bay Resort on the north shore of Oahu for four days of well-deserved R & R. And, yeah, we've been watching one after another humpback whale spout, jump, slap the water with fins and tails, and otherwise go crazy. But, alas, we've not seen a single turtle. 

Three or so years ago when we visited there were plenty of turtles. Now, nary a one! So, with nothing else to do here but relax, I've put on my thinking cap and come up with some possible explanations for this phenomenon:

1. The sudden drop in the Dow over the last few days has them running to their brokers to pull out all their 401K retirement monies and re-invest in -- you heard it from me -- not gold, but edible seaweed. What could be more natural for a creature that loves to munch seaweed for lunch? And there's something in that strategy for us humans, too: Ya can't eat stock certificates or drink oil! 

2. The southward shift of the jet stream that's bringing record cold to the mainland has them worried. What if it brought snow to Hawaii? The only thing snow is good for in Hawaii is snow cones, and just how many can everyone eat before never, God forbid, developing a dislike for them? And what if icebergs began drifting into Turtle Bay? Just imagine the panic when the first huge ice cube collides with a turtle. Total, turtle, Titanic-panic!  A smart turtle, so worried, would be heading for…well, is there anyplace safer for turtles than here? Maybe San Francisco Bay? Hey, now that's an idea! I'm sure it will hit national evening news if it happens. Maybe. Well, probably not, now that I think about it. So, let's continue:

3. We're solidly into the winter world class surf, and another after another surfing championship "crown" competition seems to be emerging from out of the blue. Yeah, blue. Good word choice, don't you think? Anyway, our old reliable "Triple Crown" will soon include so many other crowns that it could this year alone become the "Hexa Crown" (now that sounds ominous). What does this have to do with the missing turtles? I suspect they're are huddled in small groups beneath those huge 30-foot breakers laughing at the whole thing. What do you think? Well, it's plausible...

4. With my new book, THE TURTLE DANCES (Savant 2013) gathering steam, maybe they're on their way to Waikiki to see the location where the story is centered. The book begins on a beach at Waikiki, but which beach? Perhaps this is the beginning of Turtle eco-tourism? Up to now, my explanations have been "in there" (sort of), and maybe this one's a little "out there." Well, it was just a thought…

5. What with all the political turmoil on the mainland, it's equally possible they're gathering from all over the world in the Chesapeake Bay to form a new political party - the "gee-party" (for "gosh, gee, surely we can do better than those "tee-party" congressmen and congresswomen who, in the end don't much care about turtles aside from them being a possible lucrative food source). Or perhaps they'll call themselves the "he-party" (for "he, he!" -- a turtle laugh at our amazing hubris in thinking we know anything at all about how the world actually works, and where, if anywhere, humans fit in). Go ahead: Laugh! But first, visualize several hundred thousand Hawaiian Green Sea Turtles marching (well, shuffling, really) on Washington D.C. and laughing at us! Hmmm. Now that I think of it, I can't recall ever seeing a Hawaiian Green Sea Turtle laughing, or even smiling for that matter. They usually look sadly concerned more than anything else. And why not, there's a lot to be concerned about in today's world.

6. Another possibility is that they've all headed offshore to wait for a record wave set so they can say they "surfed the 'big one'." They do surf, you know. Really! I've seen them inside a curl riding a wave into shore only to head back out to catch another wave! And why not? They've got not just one built-in surfboard, but two! 

Well, that's my best vacation musing. What they're really up to and why we haven't seen any these past few days here at Turtle Bay remains an unsolved mystery as profound as why Americans put ketchup on everything. And you got to admit, that's profound!